The first month with Meriwether proved to be more challenging for me than I could have ever anticipated. I’m someone who devotes time into researching, planning and preparing. One of my many joys in life is making to-do lists and checking them off. There aren’t many instances (if at all) where I can recall feeling totally unprepared and lost. Yet, the truth is for me, nothing could quite prepare me for my twenty-four hour labor or first weeks at home with Meriwether (and I’m not talking about diaper changes or additional laundry).
I’m not really sure what I expected the first few weeks of motherhood to be like, but the reality is, I just didn’t feel like myself.
I had a case of the baby blues.
While “baby blues” are the least severe form of postpartum depression, it’s so important not to ignore the changes that are happening in your body. Talking about the emotions, changes and challenges is one of the best ways to cope.
Sure, there are major physical changes to your body, and while I’m still dealing with that part of it, my biggest struggles early on were the emotional ones. One moment I would be gazing into her eyes and tears of overwhelming love and joy would start rolling down my cheeks. The next moment I’d burst into tears of overwhelming anxiety because I felt so lost (#hormones). I remember the first day I went without crying. I felt hopeful…like life was finally stabilizing and I was figuring things out.
During those first few weeks, not only was it a blur, but I felt such guilt and shame for having any feelings other than pure joy and happiness (because that’s how it seemed like everyone else was). I felt mostly sad…but also trapped, anxious, tired, confused, alone, and overwhelmed. I found myself, a serious extrovert, recovering at home with my newborn baby who, A. mostly slept (about 20 hours a day) but B. wasn’t a big talker (of course). And in all my preparation I somehow missed the whole “can’t go anywhere for 6 weeks because of germs” thing. I was used to chatting and styling clothes with customers all day in my shop and working on my small business. I was used to being busy…running errands, buying for the shop, shipping orders, and shooting looks. My husband went back to work when she was three days old, and if I could go back and change that, I would. Life just seemed to be completely turned upside down. I wasn’t involved with my business day to day, I wasn’t seeing my friends or husband (because most adults have jobs and newborns can’t go out of the house) and I was learning a totally new craft: motherhood. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was struggling in every area: as a new mother, wife, friend and business owner.
Come to find out, many women feel confused about struggling with sadness after the joyous event of adding a new baby to their lives. Once I finally got the courage to reach out to other moms, I found it to be a very common thing…though I would’ve never known because its uncommon for new moms to share this side of it. When I would explain the way I felt to friends with children, the response was typically, “I felt the same exact way.”
This day in age, all anyone sees are the joyous moments we are proud to share…not the rough moments we want to keep to ourselves. If you’re someone who hasn’t felt the effects of postpartum depression, what a blessing. But in the end, we’re all blessed by the opportunity to have a child join our lives. In her short two months of life, Meriwether has taught me so many things, but most impactful is to slow down and fully enjoy being with and loving the people sitting in front of you. Our daughter is absolutely the best blessing we’ve ever known…but realistically, it takes time to figure out new life after a new arrival, and it can be really hard.
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